


But you make me feel helpless

by Exces_KaboomBOOM



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Martin has Sad Bitch Syndrom, Touch-Starved, Trans Male Character, it's Sad yall but hopeful ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-13 16:24:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18035060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Exces_KaboomBOOM/pseuds/Exces_KaboomBOOM
Summary: Martin Blackwood is a love letter to humankind.(spoilers episode 129)





	But you make me feel helpless

**_I just wanna make you feel okay_ **

 

Being lonely but in love is a beautiful feeling, in the end; caring for another soul as if its core fabric was made of the purest gold feeding the sun and the stars, without thinking selfish thoughts or what-ifs about you becoming an us. Loving for the sake of love; as if to be loved isn’t an option, and it doesn’t matter. 

From an outside point of view, it may seem quite sad; how can one love without loving oneself first? It is very easy, in reality. Living for others is a simple way to avoid being the focus of our own life. 

Most people don’t get that kind of romance, and that is mostly why Martin doesn’t talk about it anymore. He has always been easily judged; manipulable, chatty, overwhelming, candid, stupid, over-the-top. He has a compassionate heart that understands most unseen things in people; he is one of those who fell in love with the world, and never expected anything in exchange because that love was enough of a treasure. It still is; being optimistic, driven for his love of others, picking a spider off the floor to safely put it on a wall.

Most have blamed his mother for his softness. But in reality? Martin thinks it is due to his gayness. It is a joke, as much as it is not; you grow up differently, you see people differently, you fight battles earlier in hope of surviving. Martin is a proud trans man, who happens to love men, and humankind in its entirety too. That is where lies his faith and his dedication; and that will be what kills him, most definitely. 

Jon died. 

Martin felt a part of himself died, as well. He listened on repeat to that song,  _ The End of The World.  _ He felt it strongly echo through his entire being; why things continue to work after such a loss? Why life continues as if unbothered when the one you truly love leaves your life, and you have barely enough to get by? 

He cried rivers and oceans in Jon’s name. He accepted Peter’s false choice to save the Institute in Jon’s name, for his vision and his posterity. He decided to look over Melanie and Basira for him, so he could look at himself in the mirror without feeling listless and ashamed. Guilty of having survived the one he loved. 

Jon survived. 

But nothing changed. Because what if he hadn’t? What if it was a trick of an Entity, or of his poor, ill mind? He has a mission now. He couldn’t prevent Jon’s death once, so he will fight until his lasting breath to prevent a second in the becoming. 

Martin loved the sun and living in the brightness of social interactions, sneaking his way in people’s favors with cups of tea, small attentions and careful companionship. Living in the dark, away from all, unseen and silent, is a terrible fate for a kind man like him. He knows he could have been claimed by far worse Entity, but in its own sappy way, it is maybe the worst  _ to him _ . Martin is a creature of sweet benevolence. Was, anyway; he tries hard not to think too much about it so he doesn’t cry himself to exhaustion every day that the darkness makes. 

His mother died. 

Another bit of himself died as well, and he felt himself slowly slipping in the strangeness of a world unknown to him; made of loneliness and silence. He misses people’s voices, their laughters, their worries, their troubled tales, their concerned reprimands. He misses Tim’s wit. He admires his courage to decide to face death on his own terms. Martin carries his story with an immense respect and infinite affection. 

Jon saw him, when nobody else did. 

Yet, it is too late for that now, Archivist, as you must understand that the easily found Martin is now in a long-gone past-life. You should have seen him before, embrace his warmness and look at him sincerely, as to finally appreciate what he was bringing to the table since the beginning. 

But it is too late, and no  _ us  _ will be able to save Martin. Peter is determined to not let him forget it, even for a single second; if Martin wants to gain the power to save people, he must face his enemies by himself. 

Martin confesses to the tape recorders that he would prefer to die than to live forever alone, and to end himself once he is sure the ones he cares so dearly for are protected. Even himself deserves mercy and compassion. Tim will await him, and mock his stubbornness, but he will be happy to see him again; Sasha will be splendid and he will finally be able to remember the way she smiled, when scolding him. 

Jon sees him a second time, and Martin is surprised. 

The heart he thought has been broken in infinite shards of opaque, bloody glass has still a small place in his chest; he feels it tighten and breaks ever more slightly at Jon’s raw words. 

“I miss you.”

Martin is trying so hard not to be weak, to stay true to his word. 

“I worry for you.” 

But he had promised Jon, the one that died, that he would protect him; it is his turn to hide his secrets in order to save the few remaining lights of hope they have. 

Martin goes back to his mission, his still beating heart cracking and spreading his ache to every inch of his body. The worst part is that, even in his infinite sadness, he had worried that this interaction would put Jon in danger. 

Jon. It has always been Jon. 

Martin loves him more than he ever had the words to express it. His poetry was less an attempt at that discipline than it was really a distraction from little worms filling his ears, his dreams and his mind. 

“I miss you, too,” Martin finally admits, late at night, once Basira and Melanie are asleep and he watches over their rest.

He is holding yet another tape recorder, pressed against his lips as if to kiss his words into it; he found it hidden in his left pocket, and didn’t question it. That recorder represents the only outlet he can allow himself to have, and he would be damned to not cherish the small happiness its company brings him. 

“I wish we could have more time,” he continues, voice trembling, holding months of sobbing and grief in its heavy tone, “I wish we could have become something, if you were to ever… Feel inclined to love me, I guess?” 

Words always sound like questions in his mouth when he is unsure he deserves attention or a place to live in. 

“I love you for a long time, but I never wanted anything from you. Tim always thought I was fooling myself into idealizing you, you being my boss and, like, a powerful and smart man. But I couldn’t really, in the end? You never gave me the opportunity to fall into falseness. You were hard with me, so demanding, and I thought for so long that you simply didn’t care for me.”

Basira is holding Melanie’s hand, tears cutting her cheeks and wetting her hijab. 

“Maybe in another lifetime,” he finally whispers. He cries as silently as possible, even if he is now sure it wouldn’t make a difference; he is not living in this world anymore, always on the side of things, an outsider watching events unfold, fed to the shadows of deities who won’t ever know of his loving, beautiful existence. 

“I dearly miss you, so very much. Please forgive me.” 

As soon as the words leave his mouth, something lifts off his chest; is it the last remains of his humanity? Is he finally free of pain and mourning?

Martin turns his face to find Jon seeing him, for the third time. Third time’s a charm, if anything?

Jon grips him in a forceful hug that nothing in the world could undo. Martin fights for some time, but the warmth of another’s body against his finish to untie all his pretense. He feels himself unfold in voiceless cries, embracing Jon, as if his life depends on it. Because he needs him, in the end, as always did. 

Because he had always wished he were here, and in the most tragic end of the story, he finally is. 

**Author's Note:**

> I’m started writing a POV Martin fic a while back, maybe like a month ago; it was about how he was embracing his Lonely!self, and how he was getting back at Jon for all the shit he gave him in the past three seasons. But then the episodes came in, and I was like… Crying over how Martin is still very much himself? Heart full of love and courage, bleeding himself out for the sake of his friends? Oh bitch, that boy is a soft mess. Love that fat man. Oh, and he be gay and trans here, yeah that’s how I play. That’s how it is. Thanks for reading. Don’t search me anywhere, I’m a ghost!   
> Also big credits to Wish You Were Gay by Billie Eilish which is like, the biggest one-sided!JonMartin mood.   
> (god it's 3 am)


End file.
